Just me

I have been so very sad this week. Back to the tears falling every day. Kieran constantly in my thoughts, memories, encompassing my very being. I am doing the same things, still working and focusing which gives some respite although as soon as I start another task or stop for a moment, my son comes back into my thoughts. I miss him so very much that it is painful. The tears keep falling and my heart aches so much. I know that we all have to die and that it doesn’t matter if a life is long or short in human times, it is the legacy that person leaves behind and what you then do with your own life in his memory or as a consequence. The deep peace I feel in my soul that he is with God waiting for the day we will all be reunited – in the blink of an eyelid in eternity- but it doesn’t stop the pain, it doesn’t stop the aching to hold him, to hug him, to laugh with him, to comfort him- and sometimes that is so intense that it obliterates everything else- and it is that position I find myself in again this week.

I’ve actually got lots to look forward to in the next couple of months:- Kevin and I will have been married 25 years on 2nd December and we will be off to Germany to experience Christmas market, etc (think I waffled on about this last time!). Then it is back to Aberystwyth to see Tara play and then a couple of weeks later she’ll be home for Christmas. Aidan and Beth are happy and we’ll see them Boxing day- and all will be together on 27th with Alex coming across to travel to family party. We are going to stop with Aidan and Beth in January and they have bought us tickets to see the Railway Children at Kings Cross when we are down there with them. We will be going across to see Tara (and of course the lovely Alex) early February- so lots going on to take some of the sting out of the next couple of months.

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I laugh a fair bit, it isn’t all doom and gloom- the problem is that I feel compelled to write when feelings bubble up and I keep meaning to write when I am doing okay. I guess the biggest indicator of this is the time in between blog posts- very frequent at first as my emotions and distress found an outlet after posting on Facebook in the early days. Now – not so frequent and I can go a month I think without feeing compelled to write. But then eventually my feelings have bubbled up to the extent that it has to come out.

Anyway- you will have gathered I’m having a tough week. But today is Friday! I have work and then have to get coursework done at weekend ahead of study day on Monday (and I should have done loads more which I haven’t!)- But then it is off to Leipzig and hopefully a lovely time with my long suffering hubby of 25 years J

Sunday 15th November 2014- Sermon: 1 Thessalonians 5:1-11 ( or the one I refer to in “Kieran’s Box” but am not clever enough to do a hyperlink)

I often drive down to London and Essex for the day to see my family. A couple of weeks ago I went down to see my sister. I travelled alone this time as Kevin was looking after our dogs. It takes about 2 3/4 hours each way. I was fine driving down but on my way back it was dark and the M25 and M1 had their usual long stretches of invisible roadworks and so 50 mph was imposed for what seemed extremely long periods of time. It was raining and my wind screen wipers and the spray off the road were mesmerising. The heater was on the windscreen and it was getting warm and I was getting drowsy. Had I been in the passenger seat I would have nodded off to sleep listening to the rhythm of the rain, heater and wipers.

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I had to stop off for a coffee in the end and put the cold air on my face to keep me alert. I certainly couldn’t be a lorry driver!

This brings me to 1 Thessalonians 5:6 So then, let us not be like others, who are asleep, but let us be awake and sober.
We need to stay alert and focused in our Christian lives. How easy it is to become used to the rhythm and expect all to remain the same. Drifting along, coming to church as we may have always done on a Sunday. But life is not easy and it can become long and boring at times. Looking back at my drive all I can say is that my drive a couple of weeks ago was a long boring drawn out thing. I know the journey well and none of it was keeping my attention. It was a long ride and tiredness and boredom set in.

Many children in today’s world have a room full of computer games, their own mobile phone, TV, DVDs, television channels just for childrens programmes, toys galore but they don’t have anything to do. They say their bored.


Boredom is the plague of every parent with a child out of school. We fill their time. Mine went to an assortment of Beavers, Cubs, ballet, tap, gymnastics, music lessons, wind band, brass band, swimming lessons and air cadets. They were never in! But we are so busy filling their time that when they do have hours at home in the holidays perhaps they have almost forgotten how to play or use their imagination. My sister got married when I was 7 so I was pretty much an only child growing up. I would use my swing frame in the garden or the dining room table depending on the time of year- my mum would provide me with old sheets and blankets and I would make a den, using her pegs to fasten it all together. Mum would empty her veg baskets that used to stack on top of each other and I would take all my dolls with their blankets and make beds up for them in the tent in the veg racks and play boarding schools with them. I would spend hours drawing up registers and making up names …

But today we live in a technological world- a fast paced world from using microwaves to cook, to watching TV on i-player, satellite TV, getting our news as it breaks on the internet or 24 hour news channel- such that newspapers today are out of date by the time they are published!. We are used to quick fixes and can become numb and bored when we are forced to slow down. I wonder how many are so busy that like me they use the term “I haven’t even got time to think!”- so we keep going, doing the same thing, taking our eye of the ball, tired, weary, half asleep….. and the devil takes advantage of this. When things are ticking along, the eye is taken off the ball, cracks begin to appear in our relationships with each other or with God or both- or we start doing our own thing without reference to God.


If we are not alert, we fall asleep to that which is important. Mark 13:33-36 says We need to……..

“Be on guard! Be alert! You do not know when that time will come. It’s like a man going away: He leaves his house and puts his servants in charge, each with their assigned task, and tells the one at the door to keep watch.
Therefore keep watch because you do not know when the owner of the house will come back—whether in the evening, or at midnight, or when the rooster crows, or at dawn. If he comes suddenly, do not let him find you sleeping”.

The time, that day or hour of which Jesus speaks is, of course, the Last Day when Jesus, “the Son of Man” will come. I think about that glorious day when He comes back for us and I for one do not want to be caught sleeping because I allowed the things of this world to blind me. I also think that in order for us to stay awake, we need to set some goals …..

I was falling asleep during my drive and I knew I had to do something to keep awake. I told myself that I would stop at the services and get something to drink. I mentally ticked off the sections of the journey- getting off the M25 onto the M1, getting past Luton, Milton Keynes, Northampton, Leicester and then the slog off the final slog off the motorway through Coalville and Ashby back into Swad. This inspired me, it gave me something to look forward to and as I continued driving I found the drive to be somewhat better as I had some goals set during the drive. Isn’t this how life is as well?


Looking at the current time of the year we see this to be very prevalent in our society. We get excited as we look to the Christmas season, we look forward to seeing our loved ones, we look forward to the gathering, the food, the pure excitement of it all keeps our focus.


But as soon as it’s over what do we look forward to? It’s cold, the days are shorter, family and friends go back to their everyday routine and we feel as if we have nothing to look forward to. I know I sort of hibernate in January. Always a difficult and there’s the knowing there’s another 2 months before the days getting longer, and hopefully finer again.
I usually find I am wishing January away. Having always had mixed feelings about New Year’s Eve- these days I go to bed and like to ignore it- too many memories and I’d rather sleep it way under a warm duvet. Sleep is peaceful and untroubled.

So we can easily stop living because we have allowed the depressions of this world to step in and rob us of the joy that comes when we truly live for Jesus.

But we need to remember the goal that we set in our minds. The goal that Christ gave to us that created that pure joy and excitement in our hearts that gave us purpose and direction in this lost world.

Philippians 3:12-14 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
Realise here that Paul is in prison, chained to a Roman guard, under horrible conditions. Yet despite that, he writes these wonderfully positive words.
His goal is eternal life with Jesus. That is what he is reaching for & striving for every day. His goal is heaven.

The little goals I set before me as I was driving really helped get me through the difficulties and they helped to keep my focus on my main goal, my final destination. I wanted to make it home!!! The little goals I set in my life help me get through the sad and weary times.

Now here is the point. If our main goal is heaven, if our main goal is eternal life with Jesus Christ, we aren’t to fall asleep and allow the devil to creep in by pulling us away from God, When you’re spiritually asleep it means you’re unaware of what God is doing right now in the world. The Bible tells us in many places that we need to wake up. “Putting on faith and love as a breastplate, and the hope of salvation as a helmet.”

Here, he mentions two pieces of armour, the breastplate and the helmet. The breastplate protects your heart and the helmet protects your mind. A chest wound can be fatal, so Roman soldiers wore a breastplate to protect their vital organs. The Bible calls it a breastplate of righteousness. It’s not our righteousness, because our righteousness is like filthy rags. It’s the righteousness of Jesus that protects our hearts. When we put on the righteousness of Jesus, God no longer sees our unrighteousness; instead He sees the righteousness of His perfect Son. Breastplates had a front and a back. Two leather straps connected the back plate to the breastplate. Faith puts on the back plate. It’s like faith says, “I’ve got your back.” Love puts on the breastplate, because love comes from the heart. So that’s how we put on faith and love as a breastplate.

The helmet of salvation protects our head, which contains our brain, or in spiritual terms, our mind.

Sometimes people are so content, they just get into a spiritual rut, where nothing ever changes. God is trying to say to every one of us today, “Hey, wake up! The alarm has gone off.”

So how many here today are spiritually complacent. How many switch off in a sermon, how many have nodded off after I’d done 10 minutes of this sermon! How many listen to a sermon mentally looking around as they feel that there is a certain person who should be hearing it. Well – this sermon is for you individually, not everyone else. Whilst I am talking collectively, God is personal, we have a personal relationship with him, the teachings, inspiration from as sermon are aimed at you individually as well as a church- so if you have nodded off or sitting there comfortably- wake up.

Spiritual complacency- hearing the words every week of forgiving others, for treating others as if they were Jesus himself, for loving others even if not liking, for not judging and you say yeah yeah, we know all that- but then something happens because you were half asleep and feelings take over.  You become hurt, angry, defensive and the easiest thing in the world is to hit back or to turn your back and lick your wounds, to seek righteousness from others and impose judgement on the persecutor. But the peace of God is not about feelings, forgiving someone is not about how you feel. Your brain thinks, your heart feels but deep within you, in your soul there the Holy Spirit and the peace of God resides.

We can forgive without feeling it in our heart- it is an actual act- giving it to God and saying you will forgive- it doesn’t changed those feelings and it takes time to recover from deep hurt but if you keep licking those wounds, you’ll just keep opening them up and forgiveness cannot take place. How many of us can say we haven’t judged, haven’t gossiped, haven’t relished at a bit of drama and dressed it up with our own self-imposed righteousness?

 We know nothing or what others are going through right now. We know nothing of the demands on their emotions, time, etc. We know nothing of what happened to them this morning, last night because we are all good at putting on an act and only revealing to others what we want them of see and sometimes that means words and actions that result can are not of the Spirit. So wake up! God is talking to me personally here, he is talking to you too- not the person in the pew next to you or in front tof you or behind you.

Paul concluded this section on the second coming with this directive, “Encourage one another and build each other up.”

The words you speak to people can either build them up or tear them down. In the book of James we read that the tongue can either be a refreshing fountain, or a deadly fire. Do you use your words to refresh people, or to burn them up?
Have you ever said something that as soon as you said it, you wished you could take it back? The problem for some people is that they put their mouth in motion before their brain is in gear. Sometimes just a single word of encouragement can make a difference in someone’s life.

So how do we need to wake up to all this? We need have some stops along the way, some short term goals that will keep us awake and focused on the main goal.

The obvious one is to make the goal of attending church each week. And here’s the thing if you find you have something on in the morning, then what is wrong with attending the evening service? Church needs to be planned for, not the first thing to be dropped in our busy lives to make room for other things. It is a discipline soon lost. Start missing church and you drift away and fill your time with others things rather than God. We need each other. When church is missed, not only are you then vulnerable to drifting and pulled away from others belonging to Christ, but you are denying others of your presence- your gifts, your wisdom, your support and guidance.

HEBREWS 10:25 ‘Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another – and all the more as you see the Day approaching.’

In this one verse, we are warned to not stop meeting with other Christians. There are some who will only sacrifice enough of their time to attend one service per month. Once that person gets into a habit of forsaking another meeting, it becomes easier to not attend other church functions.

God knows that every time you attend a service, you are giving up something else. You give up sleeping late to be here Sunday morning. It’s a matter of discipline. We need to discipline ourselves to be here, to gain inspiration, guidance and to have something to look forward to each week.

Secondly we need to make the goal of reading God’s word, reflecting on what we have read – not just the words or the story being told but the message we are reading for us today and for us personally in that moment- and of course praying each day. My daughter Tara brought me “The Message” for my birthday. This is the Bible written in every day terms. It isn’t perfect but what it makes me do is read a passage twice- I will read it in the Message first and often think “really, did God really say that or Jesus do that?” then I’ll read it in my NIV and discover that it is written in a different way or there is a slightly different slant to it and then I think about it.

I have started doing this when I eat my breakfast and again at lunch time if I’m working from home- because the old bedtime routine just wasn’t working with me usually falling asleep on God!

You have to be prepared to change your routine, to stretch yourself to try something different or it becomes too familiar and you can drift off- take your eye off the ball! If I’m tired I can read a few pages of a book and then realise I haven’t a clue what I’ve just read and have to re-read it! My eyes have read the words, my fingers have turned the page but the mind and heart hasn’t engaged at all. So you need to do it when you are awake and actively thinking about what you are reading.

Once you make the goal of implementing into your daily schedule devotion time, you will realise that it is a good habit and your day just isn’t the same without it.

Thirdly we should make the goal of finding a ministry area to serve in.
I Pet. 4:9-11 “Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God’s grace in its various forms. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ.”

Generally, churches have more people than they do jobs but not everyone offers to serve in some form and so a very few people are doing all the jobs. It might be that you think a job is too onerous or you couldn’t do all that was involved. However if everyone took a tiny part of what was needed the jobs would be completed with the effort shared amongst us all.


Going back to my drive, once I’d got off the motorway and had the dark final 35 minute drive back home, I had to do something drastic in order to stay awake. I rolled the window down and let the cold air hit my face.

This was a wakeup call. I needed something to simply slap me in the face and wake me up fully as I was feeling half asleep. I was not alert anymore, had lost my focus and was just going through the familiar automatic motions of driving through habit.


Here are my favourite “Wakeup Call” verses:
“The hour has come for you to wake up from your slumber, because our salvation is nearer now than when we first believed. The night is nearly over; the day is almost here.” Romans 13:11-12
“Why are you sleeping?” Jesus asked his disciples. “Get up and pray so that you will not fall into temptation.” Luke 22:4
“How long will you lie there, you sluggard? When will you get up from your sleep? A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest — and poverty will come on you like a bandit and scarcity like an armed man.” Proverbs 6:9-11
“Remember, therefore, what you have received and heard; obey it, and repent. But if you do not wake up, I will come like a thief, and you will not know at what time I will come to you.” Revelation 3:3

I believe these verses are like rolling down the window. They are meant to wake us up when we find ourselves dozing and becoming complacent.

Paul not only told the believers to encourage one another, he encouraged them. He wrote, “For God did not appoint us to suffer wrath but to receive salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ. He died for us so that, whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with him.” (1 Thessalonians 5:9-10) God has a plan for your life, and that plan doesn’t involve experiencing God’s wrath because of your sin. He has appointed you to receive salvation through Jesus Christ.

Kieran’s Box

No sooner do I dare to voice that things are different then something happens to knock me backwards.

Generally speaking, I still cry- often- but not every day and not usually with the intensity of those early days. But I cry just the same- more often when Kevin and I are sharing a moment, something on telly, something on the news, something or nothing that we intrinsically understand and know and share either spoken or unspoken with each other about our son. But the difference is that whilst I do cry, it is generally short-lived, mixed with laughter because our memories are happy ones- of a teenager enjoying life, with his future laid out before him. Not of an ill child, a suffering child, an unhappy child. And whilst at first and for some undefined period those tears when they came would set the tone for my mood for at least half the day and wipe me out emotionally, now I have my cry and my thoughts and then am able to switch on to something else- to get on with things!

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So just when I think all this, something happens to set me back.

I am in the midst of turning the now spare bedroom into a little study, come relaxing room with ideas, all my Christian books on spirituality, my classical and relaxing CDs- somewhere to sit and read, etc. I have sorted out Kieran’s big box!.

 After Kieran’s GCSE results came out- the results he never knew about- the school contacted us and aid they had some of his course work and di we want to collect it. So I think it was Kevin that went to the school to collect his work. We were expecting written work but in fact it was his design and technology coursework. There was a small wooden box- which I think had been his prototype and then there was a large wooden box. The small box came in the lounge and has his prom photo sitting on top of it but the large one has sat in our rather tatty and messy dining room for a while now, needing a proper home. Anyway I have now found a home for it- pride of place on a bookshelf in the reading room. I have put my little Bible study guides inside it.

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Anyway – my parents were up at the weekend and I decided to show them his big box. My dad, an Engineer and always very practical, was really impressed with it. He said it was really well made and what a good job Kieran had done. I could see my boy standing there and being really quietly chuffed at praise from his granddad and of course we had never even seen the box when he was alive- didn’t even know of its existence really. And so I cried. I had to leave the room and I cried, sobbed in Kevin’s arms. They apologised for upsetting me- but it’s hard to explain- people shouldn’t apologise for upsetting me. I like talking about my boy and remembering him- it helps keep him alive in or minds and lives. That as our lives continue he is still a part of them as we imagine how he would react, behave etc. But people shouldn’t think that their words upset me or discussing him upsets me- it’s the fact that he is dead that upsets me- the fact that I am always sad at my core and sometimes the tears spill out.

There is an increasing realisation however that he is forever frozen at sixteen and a half. We cannot know how he might have changed in the last 16 months, as we approach Christmas and what would have been his 18th birthday on Epiphany.

 As with all parents (and I know I can drive my children up the wall)- my parents can also drive me up the wall. I’m aware that on Sunday I was sharp at times- when they pretend they are listening and I know they aren’t. When they both start having conversations at once. And of course both being a bit deaf it gets very loud! I think I’m normally tolerant, quite patient, but realised I picked my mum up about 3 times on Sunday when she had zoned out and didn’t answer a question but said something to demonstrate that she wasn’t listening to me. And I got called harsh- just before they got on their train. My mum has often said over the years that I am hard (which I find incredibly hurtfall- like I’m some cold hearted person who just gets on!). She always quantifies it with me being like my dad- I think it’s because I’m practical and have a way of sectioning off my thoughts a lot of the time. I put it down to nursing- having been a nurse since the age of 18 in the days when it was sink or swim and you were thrown in at the deep end . You learnt to compartmentalise to enable you to cope.

I think back to things I dealt with at what seems a young age now but was the norm back then for student nurses- certain things always stay in your mind. At the age of 18, being left on a ward at night whilst the Staff nurse went out for her cigarette break and  my first patient to have a cardiac arrest. I can still feel the adrenalin and see my hands shaking as I drew up the drugs for the crash team. Aged 20 -being told to go with the parents whilst they mourned their dead 10 month old after a cot death on Christmas Day in Casualty; supporting a woman having a termination due to health reasons as she gave birth to her dead 23 week old baby on a bed pan and afterwards I kept looking at the baby until it was taken to histology- clearly deformed but at the same time so perfect- ingrained forever in my mind. Working on neurology and supporting a young girl at 18- the same age as me at the time who had just been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis; having to bed bath a 23 year old because he had caught a virus and become paralysed from the chest down. The list is endless really- but it is necessary if you are to survive mentally and emotionally in nursing that you compartmentalise and are able to switch off.

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Does that make us hard? There is no option- for those who let everything get to them would not be able to continue in the job. Anyway- having been called harsh by my mum I then, at the age of 46, went home and cried like a baby.

 You see I probably was quite abrupt yesterday. Yes- I felt emotionally on edge and had opened up again with Kieran’s box- but it’s no excuse.

 And of course I realised that the sermon I preached last week was so pertinent to me this week- with letting my feelings affect the way I communicated. Putting my walls back up to enable me to soldier on resulted in abruptness to my parents.

I’m not sure what the message is in this post really. I think it’s just when you think you have got grief and your feelings sussed, you suddenly catapult back into a stage of the bereavement process (if you can call it that) and after the sadness came the anger again yesterday with poor old mum getting the brunt!

So I reiterate really what I said in my sermon (which I’ll post separately but not sure I’m clever enough to put a hyperlink in!)- we know very little of what someone has gone through that morning, the night before, in their life, etc- so we should always treat others with kindness and compassion and communicate in a way we would like to be spoken to.

Remembrance Sunday

 They went with songs to the battle, they were young.
Straight of limb, true of eye, steady and aglow.
They were staunch to the end against odds uncounted,
They fell with their faces to the foe.

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning,
We will remember them.

They mingle not with their laughing comrades again;
They sit no more at familiar tables of home;
They have no lot in our labour of the day-time;
They sleep beyond England’s foam

Remembrance Sunday.  I struggle. I have always been deeply moved by the First World War. As a Brownie and then a Guide I often carried the flag to our war memorial from either St Margaret’s (where I went to Brownies) or Holy Trinity (where I went to guides). Not a “churched” child, nonetheless I went to most monthly Church Parades and always Remembrance Sunday. I knew that my maternal granddad had been gassed in the Great War and I later studied war poetry at school. I was always so touched by the horror, the physical pain  and the terrible pain of the soul expressed by the likes of Siegfried Sassoon and Wilfred Owen to name just two.  Later, as a mother I attended Church parades- with the boys when they were Beavers and Cubs, and seeing my daughter march and play cornet in the ATC.

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In the shocked early hours and days of Kieran dying when I was numb and couldn’t form the words to pray other than to cry out and shout at God and ask others to pray. (That was the time when God was embracing and carrying us, visible in our family, friends and God’s people all around).

But two things came to me over and again. The Lord’s prayer of course, learnt by rote as a child- strangely enough in its traditional form, although the modern form is invariably what I have prayed as an adult. It was the prayer from my soul, said after kneeling on the mortury floor by my dead son’s feet. What could I say, what could I express amidst the tears and horror? And so the words came from my mouth, not thinking- just my soul expressing the inexpressable.

But the other came as I sat by the mobile home on the campsite- never moving far, waiting for my son’s body to be found. It was the second verse of this poem and I couldn’t remember it all but I just kept applying it to Kieran.

He shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old. Age shall not weary him, nor the years condemn. At the going down of the sun and in the morning, We will remember him.

Remembrance day is all about our fallen men and women and the sacrifices they have made for our freedom. For those injured and who died in wars in the name of democracy. For those still fighting….

but forgive me if on Remembrance day not only do I think of the fallen when I hear those words, but I think of son, always sixteen and a half.