Musings: The letter and the Cross, the thing about Mary, and Crossing and Kneeling!

The letter and the Cross

One of our Bishops sent me a letter. It was hand written which made me read it slower than a typewritten letter. (In fact- not being so bold as to make any comment on his writing other than to say it compared less favourably to a typical doctor’s style!).

The contents of this letter were wonderful, they spoke so directly to me and how I was feeling and how my faith came into it. He talked about his joy of confirming youngsters as Kieran had been confirmed the year before. All along it has given me great comfort that Kieran was a Christian- he had chosen to follow Jesus for himself so that in his last moments God was reaching to take him home. Indeed when I unpacked Kieran’s rucksack after we got the car home much later- he had this year’s Youth group gift- as yet unread by him (so I am reading it slowly on his behalf), and last year’s book entitled “John 3:16”.

The Bishop spoke of “no pious words” but that in our faith as well as the ultimate good news of the resurrection, we could not escape the cruelty of the cross. He went onto say about how he imagined that I was with Jesus on the cross right now calling out as he did, “My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?”. Upon reading these words it became vivid to me- that was exactly where I was- and that my Saviour knew exactly how I felt. It’s strange really, I’ve always known in my head what an awful thing Jesus went through. Basically torture and the cruellest death imaginable and being separated from God whilst he took the weight of mankind’s sins. The sins of the past, the present and those of the future. Paying the price of death so that we can be reunited with God. And I’ve always known the enormity of this and felt it to some extent but what has happened has taken this to a new level. I have wondered why God had forsaken me in taking my son from me. I can’t and don’t understand why it had to happen and I have mocked God “Call yourself God, Creator of everything, Lord of Sea and Sky? Really! What were you playing at then, putting that wave and that current exactly where Kieran was then? Huh? Speak to me God! Explain yourself!”

Asking God to explain himself to me….. mocking God in my pain….. I’m no better than the mankind that condemned him to death. I am that mankind- it isn’t the past he died for- it is the here and now and the future.

The thing about Mary

Anyway- as I am (or thought I was!) firmly at the “low church” end of the Church of England- in other words nowhere near Anglo – Catholic with its “bells and smells”, I have discovered I now view Mary, Mother of God in a new light. It’s not that I didn’t think of her part in Jesus life, it’s just that it doesn’t feature so largely in the church tradition I am closest too. However, I have found myself considering her grief at seeing her Son rejected, tortured and killed. The Son she carried in her womb and who brought her both joy and such pain. Mary and I share a grief. Mary understands what it is to give birth, bring her child up, watch him grow into a young man and then unnaturally die. Mary understands me. After all- God may have been through everything but He didn’t give birth did He? He didn’t breastfeed, did He?

When I went to the Convent recently and considered the Stations of the Cross- again not something that I’m overly familiar with- there was a painting of Jesus reaching out to his mother and it spoke so much to me. I want to reach out to my son, to pull him back to me so I can hug him and kiss him and tell him I love him. But I guess I have to accept that is what God has done and looks after him. I do find myself asking God at times though, “was I not a good enough mum to him? Did I not love him enough? Is that why you took Him from me- to do a better job? To love him more?”.

 

Crossing and kneeling

I’ve also discovered that I have gone through a short period of time making the sign of the cross, you know- crossing myself when in the most distress! It’s not something that I have ever done, so why start now? Who knows! Again, is it a primal instinct that crossing myself will in some protect me more? Will show greater reverence to God? Or just instinct borne of seeing those when I was young cross themselves? It’s gone along with kneeling! Mostly we sit in pews these days, kneeling for prayer in church was in days of old. However the feeling of kneeling along with crossing in my times of crying is almost like pleading with God I guess.

Conclusion?

So my conclusions in all this? Well I don’t have any really, other than that I am changed. Inevitable I hear you say. But I am asking more questions than ever of myself, my faith and my traditions, am becoming more open minded perhaps (didn’t know I was closed minded but perhaps I was!). But I do know that God does love me and will look after me and really doesn’t mind if I sit or kneel, cross myself or not, have a chat in my head with Mary or not, and that his light and love has shone through and spoken to me through others.. and it is that hope which I hold onto.. knowing that one day when I see Him and Kieran again- all will be well.

In the mean time I have a job to do here- to live my life in the spirit that was Kieran and the spirit that is Dawn and that the Holy Spirit is in me and was in Kieran and so he is still joined to me in some way. One day at a time and my strength will grow, I may wobble and fall off the path, go round in circles and even backwards for a bit, but I’ll find the path again with God’s help and get stronger to live that life – one day. The conclusion has come to me as I write this- it has to be the conclusion of hope.